Admitted-ly

So I got up this morning to give my bird a bottle and decided to blog. Yesterday when I left here I was determined Luca and I spend the morning together and thats what we did. Walking around the zoo in its multiple mazes and keeping my son entertained with all my usual antics I thought a lot about the person I have become and who I used to be- not mentioned how TOTALLY oppositte those two people are. When I got pregnant I spent time eating, sleeping, dreaming, watching, talking, playing, reading, wondering, worrying, thinking, protecting wishing my baby. I was deep in thought all the time. Walking around the zoo it occurred to me I am still deep in thought even though my little bird is here. I am never alone in my thoughts and never want to be. Thats the difference. Before I had thoughts about relationships, friendships, people drama and other things that make a before family life mind work and now folks I could give a shit. This is my way of thinking and most of you who have kids may agree and some may not... good friends and good partners stick by and fight for you while others walk way and to be honest thats ok. I used to get bitter when I thought my family and what they became and ow seperate everyone is and now I see how it happened and why. And thats ok too. If you ask Toni about our conversations she will tell you 90% of every conversation revolves around Luca (what he ate, what he's doin, what he did today). Admitted-ly I am NOT the same person I was before. Some things lack- sex drive, time, conversation, communication and so on. Some people might call this a loss of control and seek their youth or try to piece their life back together the way they knew it I call it bliss and my reason for being. I am different. So if we haven't talked in a while don't take offense, those of you who don't have kids will understand when you do and those of you who do and still don't understand well then something is just lacking there...I am content to eat, sleep, dream, watch, talk, play, read, wonder, worry, think, and protect my baby no matter who big he gets.